Promtacular!

All Aglow

Posted on August 19, 2010 by promtacular! in 1980s Prom, 1990s Prom, Aquanet!, Blame the Photographer, Hybrid Bangs, Lace Disgrace, Mullets, Shoulder Pads | 1 Comment

Year: Take a guess.

Turns out, even the world’s most beautiful and famous bloggers were young and high-banged once.

Oh. Oh, Kelly.

Let’s start by pointing out that this photo’s fuzziness actually elevates its uber-fabulous status. The fuzz looks perfectly intentional, as though someone coated the lens with Vaseline to soften the light and lines and make the image appear more romantic, misted, timeless. The way photo montages in Lifetime movies in the 80s (what? shutup) looked.

Except of course, nothing* about this image is timeless. The hairdos, the jewelry, the 300 fashion statements Kelly’s dress is making…None of these made it past what? 1994?

The Vaseline makes it hard to determine the color of Kelly’s dress, and probably that’s okay. It comes across as pink, maybe peach. Which is better than if it were simply white (where I’d then be forced to categorize this under the “Prom or Wedding?” heading).

But who cares about color when there’s so, so much lace? An entire, long-sleeved, high-necked, low-waisted bodice of nothing but lace!

That’s a Promtacular! first, kids. Legends are being made here, today.

The non-padded-but-puffed-up-shoulders are a very nice touch. They’re there to help balance the two floufy, ruffled skirt-tiers. Right?

Right. But let’s be honest about “balance.” This dress, in all its lace-tier-shoulder-puff brilliance would have swallowed a lesser girl whole. Frankly, it would have swallowed an entire lesser couple. But not Kelly and her date.

Kelly, perhaps unwittingly, took her dress as a challenge, and kicked its ass. Her hair sees her dress, and raises it. (Literally.) The style is perfect, the earrings are bold. She has made it work, like some, I dunno, genius of physics.

And — obviously — no simple, wimpy corsage would do. Instead, her date thoughtfully gave her an entire rose bush to hold.

Speaking of her date: his hair is priceless. You’d think, if you just saw a photo of Kelly, that no man could stand up to her Genius Of Physics look. And yet? He does. That one bit of bang hanging over his forehead is just the right touch.

But perhaps what makes this photo most awesome of all is this line from her date, regarding their respective heights: “If memory serves I was in fact standing on something…and I believe Kelly was bending her knees.”

Well done!

*Save for the tinsel curtains; those will find their way into prom backdrops forever.

Satin Camouflage

Posted on July 29, 2010 by promtacular! in 1980s Prom, Backdrop FAIL, Lace Disgrace, Oh Bows, Shine On!, Tacky Backdrops | 3 Comments

Year: 1989

In the world of lame prom backdrops, this has got to be a top contender. God only knows what that cheap blue curtain is hiding, but I kind of feel like it would have been just as unattractive without the cheap blue curtain.

I also kind of want to hug the sweetly misguided person who thought that taping construction-paper hearts with glitter borders to the curtain would make it better.

It’s not this poor girl’s fault that her dress is practically the same color AND material. I mean, obviously her dress is fancier (what with a stunning assortment of lace, brocade, bows, flowers AND ruffles). But it suffers by the inevitable curtain comparison.

For the record, I’m sorely disappointed she opted for minimal jewelry instead of gigantic teal earrings. She also perfectly dyed her shoes instead of going with eyesore white. Sigh.

Anyway.

Her date has an air of bemusement, which I admire. Like someday he’s going to look back on this photo and say, “Heeeeey.”

It does also look like possibly he had his hair cut 13 seconds before prom began. And, let’s face it: there aren’t a lot of high school boys who can (or want to) pull off a mustache. I think this may actually wins him points.

State Fair O’Hara

Posted on July 21, 2010 by promtacular! in 1980s Prom, 1990s Prom, Aquanet!, Backdrop FAIL, Bizarre Backdrops, Lace Disgrace, Oh Bows, On The Plantation, Pairing With White, Prom or Costume?, Shine On!, perms | No Comments

Year: Totally Doesn’t Matter.

You know. Once you get past the onslaught of this photo’s amazing Promtacular! explosions, it offers you a secret gift. I almost missed it myself until I tilted my screen just so. Oh, it’s magnificent. But let’s address the obvious first, shall we?

Her dress. Her shiny, lacy, pink Scarlett-O’Hara-meets-State-Fair dress. I don’t even– what IS that material? It is reflecting the camera flash, and not even in a satin-shiny kind of way. More like in a cellophane-shiny kind of way. Which is just utterly amazing. It’s like she wanted to look like cotton candy that she brought back from the State Fair wrapped in cellophane.

And not just cotton candy wrapped in cellophane. Cotton candy covered in a fancy, fancy napkin, wrapped in cellophane. At the State Fair.

Complete with State Fair Hair!

Because, as a gift to me from the Prom Gods, her hair is higher than her face is long. No, no. This is not me being funny. This is actually true. Get out your ruler. Measure from the bottom of her chin to the top of her head. Now measure where her bangs start to the top of her head-cascade. IS THAT NOT IMPRESSIVE?

Oh, and while I’m all-caps-ing at you, may I also ask: WHERE IN GOD’S NAME IS THIS PHOTO TAKEN?

Was their prom in “the study” on the set of the board game Clue?

Was their prom in the office of the University President?

Perhaps their prom was in the Captain’s Quarters of the Titanic?

I just…what?

It makes me feel bad for them — happy as they are — because there isn’t a single tacky streamer or fake flower or floating flower vase or Mardi Gras mask anywhere in sight. You know what there is, though? I’m certain that just off to the side, there’s a globe. And a model ship in a glass case.

Prom in the Hall of Records.

THE SECRET GIFT

Did you guess it? Do you know what it is?

This girl’s date at first looks cute and sweet and a little dorky (entirely the fault of the era-acceptable glasses), until you look closer at his hair line. Not the one along his forehead. The one along the line of OHMYGOD HIS HAIR IS AS HIGH AS HERS!!!

How does that even happen? It’s a Promtacular! miracle!

You Say Potato, I Say Shut Up

Posted on May 27, 2010 by promtacular! in 1980s Prom, Lace Disgrace | 3 Comments

Year: 1985

Julie writes: “Junior Prom. I don’t know how I managed to match my eyeshadow so perfectly to his tux.”

An interesting pairing, for sure.

I’m not sure that Julie even intended to pair her eyeshadow with her date’s tux (perhaps she can clarify), since metallic blue eyeshadow was the ONLY ACCEPTABLE eyeshadow color from 1985-1987. And some hold-outs lasted well into 1990. .

That metallic blue tux, while lovely (especially with the satin lapels — swanky!), is quite an interesting choice to pair with a dress made entirely out of black lace. Because let’s be honest here. That is some sexy black lace. And it’s the kind of lace that I would compare to a tablecloth if it were white. But because it’s black, well. I don’t know who’d have a black lace tablecloth so I’ll shut up about it but you know what I’m getting at. (Maybe.)

I’m not sure what’s happening with the bouquet of red roses. Why no corsage? Where do you put a bouquet of flowers, even? (Ha! You could put it in a vase on the table with the black tablecloth!)

It’s just that Julie looks like she’s going to some grown-up, wintery formal cocktail party thing, with her grown-up black lace and grown-up red lipstick. While Julie’s date (and, okay, Julie’s eyeshadow) look like they’re going to a springtime prom.

Wherever they’re headed, though, Julie’s prom date does NOT look pleased about it. Julie appears to be saying, “I feel so lovely”; her date appears to be saying, “Imma cut you.”

p.s. What is that patch of green on the bottom right? A square of grass? Astroturf? Welcome mat?

Layers

Posted on May 13, 2010 by promtacular! in 1980s Prom, Going to the Chapel(?), Lace Disgrace, Oh Bows, perms | 2 Comments

Year: 1980s

Oh.

Her dress is very special, and I’ll get to that in a moment, but first I’d like to start with Colonel Brandon. (At least, that is what I will be calling this prom dude, who looks like Alan Rickman from Sense & Sensibility. Here’s a picture.)

Colonel Brandon’s hair looks especially light and feathery in this photo. Because once upon a time, dear young’uns, women weren’t the only ones who opted to have their hair cut in layers. (Don’t ask. It is not to be explained.)

But you know what I don’t understand? Given that his prom date is wearing all white, the Colonel had every color imaginable to choose from to accent his tuxedo, and yet he chose brown. Brown? Yes, brown.

And that is not very Promtacular! at all.

Luckily, I’m sure we can all agree that the Colonel’s date’s wedding dress is quite the stunner. If, you know, a little schizophrenic.

I mean, it starts with this totally straight top, except with bunches of lace popping out. Then it inexplicably morphs into a gathered wrap dress. And THEN it’s all like, NUH-UH, BITCHES, THIS IS A TIERED DRESS MADE OF LACE!

And you know? That’s a lot of things for a dress to be.

That this woman pairs it with short white gloves WITH BOWS, however, to add yet two more pieces of decorative flair, is brilliant. I think this makes the Colonel’s date win some sort of Promtacular! prize: Most Looks Crammed Into One Dress. Prom/Wedding/Satin/Bunched/Gathered/Tiered/Lace/With Gloves & Bows! FTW!

Not to mention her hair, which is quite possibly cropped, bleached, permed AND feathered.